Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
