At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
