hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
