So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.