I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
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She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.