My underwear smells like fireworks.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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Can vaginas get frostbite?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.