Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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