just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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