Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Randomize
