bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
