maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
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Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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