I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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