I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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