She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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