Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I didn't shave. On purpose
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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