and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
