He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
