take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
