"it" just moved
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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