according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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