I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
