Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
