I wish I could punch you in the face.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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