Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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