It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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