I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
