Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
