please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
