I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
