So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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