So drunk its hurt
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
