i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
