hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
