I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
