names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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