His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
