i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
