wrigley field is MILF paradise
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
