my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
