I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
