I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
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smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
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As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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