I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
meet me or not, i'm out of control
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
