He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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