If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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