you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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