Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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