I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
