for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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