Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
