So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize