I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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