so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
