Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
