shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
