I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
