FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
