she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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