I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
