Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
