I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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