He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
